I WANNA FAIL // No. 4 //

A recent rekindling of a relationship in my life has lit me (mentally) on fire. Let me explain. This woman is similar to a goddess. She is that "boss babe, absolutely killin' it, self-made success" kind of girl. Ya know, the kind of girl that actually DID it, instead of just talk about it.  And I'm like, "I work hard too, wtf??" Ya know what being in her presence did to me? It made me HUNGRY. Or shall I say HANGRY. I found myself literally getting mad that I wasn't hustling as hard as her. 

Just to clarify, it's not a jealousy issue. It's a "Wow, I could actually work HARDER" issue.

I've been through so many seasons the past few years of my life. I went from being an 'LA girl' as my man would call me, who worked on her phone 24/7 and was 'strung out' on getting things done. Ever since I was a child I've worked my tail off, at least compare to the other kids. When the other girls were on the swing set, I was sitting on a rock writing songs to the melodies that played from my Barbie alarm clock. When they were talking to boys I was taking voice lessons. When they were at parties I was driving to LA from SD for classes and auditions. Working toward a goal has ALWAYS been in my blood.  But at some point it had STOP. At least for a bit. I really was strung out on always working towards something. I didn't realize THAT until a simple guy from NorCal who was hell bent on always enjoying life, pointed that out to me. And then I fell in love with him. And in love with just BEING  alive. He taught me there is (a whole lot) more to life than hustling, and I loved it. So I took a step back from my crazy rat race. Thank God.

But HERE'S THE THING. At the same time as all that goal chasing was happening, I was learning what TO do and what NOT to do. With singing, acting, eating, exercising, writing and plain ole' living. I was learning how to "make it". I was trying to figure out how to be a success story. And ya know what I'm realizing??? My brain has become so aware of how not to fail that I'm subconsiously keeping myself from taking risks that could potentially lead to failure. I'm not CHASING like I could. I'm not PURSUING like I could. I'm not LIVING like I could. My brain has become so accustomed to doing everything it can to keep me from failing - to make me "successful". And it's causing me to be stagnant. Don't get me wrong, I'm still working hard, I'm still chasing my dreams but gosh damn it I could tearing this ish apart and GOING for it. I WANNA FAIL. I wanna fail so hard if it means I TRIED my absolute hardest. I wanna stub my toe and bonk my head and get a cut if it means I'm RUNNING my best and fastest race. Maybe I'm a lame Instagram influencer writing a blog for my damn self. Or maybe you're reading this KNOWING that a bitter sweet chord has been struck inside of you. You're chillin' in the luke warm pool but you KNOW you COULD (if you just WOULD) jump in that fiery hot tub full of everything you've ever dreamed of. You could do more, but in the best way. Not BE more, you're perfectly enough as you are. But you could chase more. Follow up more. Show up more. Believe in yourself more. Say yes to opportunities more (that you FEEL under qualified for but they are actually sick of all the pretentious a$$ holes they've hired that ARE qualified and now they're just actually looking for someone who is KIND and JOUFUL and can figure out how to get the job done and that's YOU). 

So yes, at 26 (I thought I'd be famous or successful by now) but instead I'm going to retrain my brain and I want to fail. And to be okay with failing hard. Because that means I'm going for it hard. Time to get some major fails under our belts so we can have some major SUCCESSES.